cutiepiehead

(no subject)

this is the person you know as mom in her lj I feel good reading all you have written. Thank you for loving her she was worth loving. i really do not know how to post i will see if this works once again thank you all
cutiepiehead

(no subject)

the business/computers building here at cmu has direction arrows leading from the doorway and up and down the stairs. only that building would do it. the polsci building? nope, we can be civil there. im gonna stop talking before i get my butt kicked.

my new semester is so much harder than the old one. my french teacher is obsessed with making an ass of me. my philosophy teacher hates me because i threw my notebook at her and i slept on some random boy and i "think too much". my religion teacher hates me because my signature is illegible. my english teacher is a crack smoking baby momma just like miss stapleton. my computers teacher is just waaaay too jolly for his own good.

speaking of jolly, tom hates the barenaked ladies because theyre too jolly. tom has no musical taste. he listens to RAAAWRRRRRR music, as one might say. im so happy tom is nothing like scott. we will pretend that scott is a momentary lack in judgement, rather than a huge fucking mistake, okay? anywho, all my friends love tom, he loves all my friends, things are going very well for the bexter :D

anywho, i havent had much thinking time lately. this magical concept of a boyfriend decreases the idea of "spare time". soo, in short, i was pondering the thought and virtues of not letting life happen to you. im working on that, ill let you know more about it later.
cutiepiehead

from my calander

making it real


our creative dreams so often stay in our heads, inside drawers, or in journals that we stop opening.
we forget the power of a real thing. when you give a creative dream form, shape, color or design, it can travel without you to new lands. it then has its own life and is able to speak for itself.
when i wrote my first book, a creative companion, i want even sure it was a book. it didnt look very much like other books i had seen, and i was aware of a certain revolutionary quality between its pages. i was just relieved that a thing had been made real, and i could stop trying to describe my vision.
i used a lot of energy for years trying to describe my creative dreams. it is a very tempting thing to do for a creative procrastinator.

continuing on that thought. i have two essays to write today. they shall aptly express my creative vision, or ill be damned!

third, im falling in love :D

fourth, i love my friends.
sad

i was almost named victoria

i forgot to take my meds today.

i cant believe i used to live like this. i am sitting here, under a great big cloud of doom, and theres nothing i can do about it. i try to cheer myself up, it is pointless. i keep digging deeper and deeper into my personal misery.

i think its the first time i thought about hurting myself since ive been put on meds. well, if not the first, one of the few times. ive been on meds since thanksgiving, and i havent wanted to hurt myself everyday since, so its weird to me to want to do it again.

i cant believe i used to live like this. this is unreal. i have no clue how i survived 18 years in the misery where i was.

dont know why
tori came by
but i could see
by the look in her eyes
tori had been driving round the town for a while
playing with the thought of leaving

dont know why
tori just smiled
mentioned something about how you were right
must have been hard to see through the tears she was hiding

she said i might not be seeing her soon
i got a few things ive been waiting to do

hey
tori came by
tori came by
tonight
hey
tori came by
she says to say goodbye

looked outside at the car in the drive
and the suitcase on the backseat inside
sure its so she cant look out behind at the road

she said i might not be seeing her soon
ive got a few things ive been waiting to do

hey
tori came by
tori came by
tonight
hey
tori came by
she says to say goodbye

dont look down
she seemed all right
you might be asking where is tori tonight
somewhere out on the highway im sure that shes fine


i just smiled, just to see how it felt. it felt like my heart was tearing in two.
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
cutiepiehead

(no subject)

"if we place ourselves squarely in the swirl of life, it will scoop us up and change us somehow. the trick is to comeout of hiding, change our routines and allow our actual lives to happen."
--sark
cutiepiehead

(no subject)

a new thought popped into my head today as i was walking to grawn.

watch out for a post on this later, its just beginning to simmer now.
cutiepiehead

(no subject)

it just hit me, as i was walking out of the foreign language lab, that i dont have to be here.

i could drop out of college and start a career right this day and my parents would still support me 100%. i could decide to become a famous actress and move to hollywood and my parents would move with me.

so, here i am, given the gift of a college education, something most people have to pay for straight out of their pocket, and im drinking it away?

heck no! so, ive found a new motivation to be a good student. granted, i did eell, grade-wise, last semester, but i dont think i really was a student.

thank god for ephiphanies. thank god for not being able to spell.