|
[01 Feb 2002|12:18pm] |
|
this is the person you know as mom in her lj I feel good reading all you have written. Thank you for loving her she was worth loving. i really do not know how to post i will see if this works once again thank you all
|
|
|
[23 Jan 2002|06:43pm] |
the business/computers building here at cmu has direction arrows leading from the doorway and up and down the stairs. only that building would do it. the polsci building? nope, we can be civil there. im gonna stop talking before i get my butt kicked.
my new semester is so much harder than the old one. my french teacher is obsessed with making an ass of me. my philosophy teacher hates me because i threw my notebook at her and i slept on some random boy and i "think too much". my religion teacher hates me because my signature is illegible. my english teacher is a crack smoking baby momma just like miss stapleton. my computers teacher is just waaaay too jolly for his own good.
speaking of jolly, tom hates the barenaked ladies because theyre too jolly. tom has no musical taste. he listens to RAAAWRRRRRR music, as one might say. im so happy tom is nothing like scott. we will pretend that scott is a momentary lack in judgement, rather than a huge fucking mistake, okay? anywho, all my friends love tom, he loves all my friends, things are going very well for the bexter :D
anywho, i havent had much thinking time lately. this magical concept of a boyfriend decreases the idea of "spare time". soo, in short, i was pondering the thought and virtues of not letting life happen to you. im working on that, ill let you know more about it later.
|
|
| from my calander |
[21 Jan 2002|07:15pm] |
making it real
our creative dreams so often stay in our heads, inside drawers, or in journals that we stop opening.
we forget the power of a real thing. when you give a creative dream form, shape, color or design, it can travel without you to new lands. it then has its own life and is able to speak for itself.
when i wrote my first book, a creative companion, i want even sure it was a book. it didnt look very much like other books i had seen, and i was aware of a certain revolutionary quality between its pages. i was just relieved that a thing had been made real, and i could stop trying to describe my vision.
i used a lot of energy for years trying to describe my creative dreams. it is a very tempting thing to do for a creative procrastinator.
continuing on that thought. i have two essays to write today. they shall aptly express my creative vision, or ill be damned!
third, im falling in love :D
fourth, i love my friends.
|
|
|
[19 Jan 2002|10:44am] |
|
sleep is good. i feel better, already.
|
|
| i was almost named victoria |
[19 Jan 2002|12:04am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
i forgot to take my meds today.
i cant believe i used to live like this. i am sitting here, under a great big cloud of doom, and theres nothing i can do about it. i try to cheer myself up, it is pointless. i keep digging deeper and deeper into my personal misery.
i think its the first time i thought about hurting myself since ive been put on meds. well, if not the first, one of the few times. ive been on meds since thanksgiving, and i havent wanted to hurt myself everyday since, so its weird to me to want to do it again.
i cant believe i used to live like this. this is unreal. i have no clue how i survived 18 years in the misery where i was.
dont know why
tori came by
but i could see
by the look in her eyes
tori had been driving round the town for a while
playing with the thought of leaving
dont know why
tori just smiled
mentioned something about how you were right
must have been hard to see through the tears she was hiding
she said i might not be seeing her soon
i got a few things ive been waiting to do
hey
tori came by
tori came by
tonight
hey
tori came by
she says to say goodbye
looked outside at the car in the drive
and the suitcase on the backseat inside
sure its so she cant look out behind at the road
she said i might not be seeing her soon
ive got a few things ive been waiting to do
hey
tori came by
tori came by
tonight
hey
tori came by
she says to say goodbye
dont look down
she seemed all right
you might be asking where is tori tonight
somewhere out on the highway im sure that shes fine
i just smiled, just to see how it felt. it felt like my heart was tearing in two.
|
|
|
[18 Jan 2002|06:23pm] |
"if we place ourselves squarely in the swirl of life, it will scoop us up and change us somehow. the trick is to comeout of hiding, change our routines and allow our actual lives to happen."
--sark
|
|
|
[18 Jan 2002|03:11pm] |
a new thought popped into my head today as i was walking to grawn.
watch out for a post on this later, its just beginning to simmer now.
|
|
| sittin at home alone on a friday |
[18 Jan 2002|01:45am] |
sigh. dont want to talk a lot about this for the sake of maintaining someone's privacy, but he made me feel absolutely gorgeous tonight.
dave said i was glowing. ive never glowed before.
|
|
|
[15 Jan 2002|03:58pm] |
it just hit me, as i was walking out of the foreign language lab, that i dont have to be here.
i could drop out of college and start a career right this day and my parents would still support me 100%. i could decide to become a famous actress and move to hollywood and my parents would move with me.
so, here i am, given the gift of a college education, something most people have to pay for straight out of their pocket, and im drinking it away?
heck no! so, ive found a new motivation to be a good student. granted, i did eell, grade-wise, last semester, but i dont think i really was a student.
thank god for ephiphanies. thank god for not being able to spell.
|
|
|
[13 Jan 2002|12:24am] |
my friend henry came over and helped me make this sign that says 'surgeon general's warning: becky causes heart-related illnesses, pancreatic cancer, and humongous headaches.
i showed it to my friend matt, and he asked why we didnt write huge boners on it.
matt also told me i have the best boobs he has ever seen.
so why, if all this self-esteem pumping was going on, do i feel like poop?
|
|
|
[12 Jan 2002|04:17pm] |
ive been toying with the idea that i am god. well, follow me here for a moment. it may be circular thinking, but hell, im tweaking this theory.
you see, i have the power to create anything i want in my life. yes, i have the power to do that. you do too, even if you dont use it or realize it. anywho, if i have the power to create anything in my life, and that is one of the main powers of god, who is to say that i am not god? further proof that god is a creature who i invented inside my soul and lives within me, not inside that big beautiful church you visit once a week.
whats with me? everything i do lately im reading deeply into it. maybe im finally thinking like a normal person? hell if i know! but i do like these ponderings i do, i like expanding my mind. even if my reasoning is wrong, and my findings are wrong, im working my brain in ways its never been worked before and that has got to be a good thing.
all my roommates and friends on the floor have gone away for the night. i am welcoming this alone time, i havent gotten any pure becky time since i lived in my old room.
were all on the ground/just crying out/somebody save me please
life is like a box of chocolates. you never know what youre going to get.
|
|
|
[12 Jan 2002|01:45pm] |
last night was one of the best nights ive ever had here at cmu.
we fucked around with everyone, it was fantastic.
i think its time i fight another one of my demons in my mind, im going to talk to someone soon who i really dont want to talk to. bbblllaaaaahhhhhhhhh.
might go party (well, drink water) at a certain boys house tonight. yum.
this room is trashed. thank god laurens helping to clean! but yeah, i think im gonna be a cleaning mad woman today. i really like living in a neat, organized place.
dave and i finally talked yesterday. i was being really stupid and immature about the whole situation, first by not telling him ever what i was really thinking and secondly by ignorning him while he was trying to fix the situation. julie and i talked too. i hate being such a baby about this, im acting like im jealous of julie and i want to be the center of attention in everyones lives, but this is pretty much the way things ended with zach. and i dont know if i could go through another heartache like that again.
things cause your mind to open wide outside areas where you never thought you would understand before. things grow and change and die and you know what, im never going to lose you. you healed my soul last night when you said im never going to lose you and theres nothing i can do to change that.
i am so thankful these people have been put in my life. i came here on the verge of giving up, hell, i had given up. i had built an iron wall around me so i couldnt feel anything anymore because i had been hurt so badly by people who knew nothing other than pain and fear and devestation. and these people i met have made me break down that wall and open my heart so the colors inside it can radiate through everyones lives and i can finally be alive.
i can finally breathe.
so, in short, thank you dave. julie. erin. diana. angie. jamie. lauren. alice. kimmi. everyone. thank you for saving my life.
|
|
|
[11 Jan 2002|04:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 good |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
kid rock and uncle kracker |
] |
i never appreciated detroit for what it is while i lived there. only now, that im in mount pleasant, can i see how wonderful detroit really is. life is funny that way, it takes a change of perspective for you to realize what something really is.
anyway, the point of the post was to express my love for detroit, not to give some crazy idea that has been brewing in my head for days.
i love you detroit. im always afraid my ass is going to be capped when i walk into your borders, but theres nothing i love more than cruising past eight mile and driving aimlessly down your streets staring at the sky.
if heaven aint a lot like detroit/i dont wanna go/if heaven aint a lot like detroit/id just as soon stay home/if they aint got no eight mile/like they do up in the d/just send me to hell or salt lake city/itd be about the same to me
|
|
|
[10 Jan 2002|10:20pm] |
im very very very tired tonight. think i might go to bed soon.
ive been thinking and thinking and i think that im just going to turn off my brain until monday after 2 pm tomorrow. whaddya think?
i love taking pictues.
|
|
|
[09 Jan 2002|02:40pm] |
|
whats the point in living if you arent looking around?
|
|
|
[08 Jan 2002|02:27pm] |
say hello to the brand new sober becky!
zoloft and alcohol dont mix, i got sick off a beer and a half last night. soo im just going to stay sober, because i hear alcohol decreases the effects of zoloft too.
so yeah, im a smartie :D
second, im going to be organized this semester. ive already decided this. so go me!
i love my friends.
Julie Baby 2001: :-D hahha. it's all good, igotta fart. :-D
makesyouhappy: i hope you fart loud
Julie Baby 2001: well I don' know if it's gona come out
makesyouhappy: force it out!
Julie Baby 2001: no, don't want to strain myself
dave used to love me. but now he loves julie. those were the days when he used to love me. but julie came along and ruined it all. brian loves julie too. i like brian but he doesnt like me. i dont know why he doesnt like me, im a nice girl!
well, i have to go do stuff now!
|
|
|
[07 Jan 2002|07:09am] |
lalalala im awake and its 7:09. i think thats illegal or something.
had a dream that i took a nap in 7-11. should i be dreaming about naps?
have a fuckload of random bullshit i have to do today. no one in mount pleasant has the default cd for erin, so we will find it, even if we have to kill people for it :D
have a stephen speaks song in my head. havent listened to stephen speaks in days.
this post has no point; so i shall end it now.
|
|
|
[04 Jan 2002|08:40pm] |
you liked me till you heard my shit on the radio
well i hate to say but pop aint going solo
you liked me till you heard my shit on the radio
but now im just too mainstream for you, oh no
you liked me till you seen me on your tv
well if youre so low below then why you watching
you say good things come to those who wait
well ive been waiting a long time for it
i remember the days when i was so eager to satisfy you
and be less then i was just to prove i could walk beside you
now that ive flown away i see youve chosen to stay behind me
and still you curse the day i decided to stay true to myself
you say your quest is to bring it higher
well i never seen change without a fire
but from your mouth i have seen a lot of burning
but underneath i think its a lot of yearning
your face the colors change from green to yellow
to the point where you cant even say hello
you tell me youd kill me if i ever snob you out
like thats what youd expect from me, like thats what im about
i remember the days when i was so eager to satisfy you
and be less then i was just to prove i could walk beside you
now that ive flown away i see youve chosen to stay behind me
and still you curse the day i decided to stay true to myself
its so much easier to stay down there guaranteeing youre cool
than to sit up here exposing myself trying to break through
than to burn in the spotlight, turn in the spitfire
scream without making a sound, be up here and not look down
because were all afraid of heights
i remember the days when i was so eager to satisfy you
and be less then i was just to prove i could walk beside you
now that ive flown away i see youve chosen to stay behind me
and still you curse the day i decided to stay true to myself
in other words, nelly furtado is the fucking woman.
furthermore, read this
|
|
|
[04 Jan 2002|07:30pm] |
ive finally decided on a new years resolution.
its love.
ha! thats a funny resolution, you say. i say its smart.
i love everyone. regardless of how much youve hurt me. i love you all. im going to create unconditional love of everyone and everything in my life.
i love you dad. i love you mom. i love you keith. i love you scott. i love you gen. i love you sarah. i love you zach. i love you mo. i love you allana. i love you melanie. i love you megan. i love you nate. i love you nichole. i love you theresa.
can you feel it?
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
luckyme's journal